James Huang – Far far away from Scouseland

Every mile killed and it never seemed to get any easier, but after 80 days, I defeated the amiable Graham in the running challenge.

These were the tactics that I used to beat Graham:

• Brutal consistency – wherever I was, whatever the time, and no matter how much audit work I had done, I ran. However, I did discover that I develop a rain allergy while I ran. Brutal consistency became a quiet cowardice.
• Nike New Balance Trainers – I like the big “N”.
• Graham’s two knee injuries – perhaps the most successful tactic. I claim full credit.
• Counting - the mad rush to catch the bus/train/DLR/audit work papers was counted as a mile run. This made up 99% of the distance covered.

The highlight
Running through Bath on a cool spring evening after a hard day of audit. Admiring how the historic houses looked so much better than my purple apartment. Eating the room service that awaited at the hotel.

The lows
Running up the hill in Greenwich park. I stopped 4 times on my first attempt. 4 minutes of hell that only ended when I reached the canine waste bin. My fastest time was when it rained really hard. Apparently, Lord Sebastian Coe used to use the same hill for training. It was no consolation.

But the running challenge was a pyrrhic victory as the graphs were produced using Graham’s superior Excel skills. I tried to recreate the graphs myself and gave up after two hours. I missed a planned session because of it. This morning, I came up with the genius idea of using Graham’s perfectly good graph and just apply the cosmetic changes myself, which was to change the cell colours from white to transparent.

And what of the £50 prize money? I decided it was unfair to accept this after (causing) Graham’s knee injuries.

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I’ve not had many visitors to my London flat. I thought that it was because of:

• Deptford’s undeserved bad reputation
• the fridge that only gets cleaned every six months
• guests having to feed themselves because of said fridge
• my refusal to stock any coffee because of the expense
• refusing to talk about anything other than accounting rules and convention

Then I realised that it was because no-one knows how to get here.

177 Bus
The bus to get when running late for church (i.e. every week). It is based on the latest conceptual Swedish design of “tillbaka-tillbaka”, which means that the front of the bus looks like the back, and the back is the back.

The alternative translation of “tillbaka” in the original Hebrew means: lazy-arsed photographer who couldn’t be bothered to cross the road.

453 Bus

Introducing the Mercedes-designed Bendy Bus. Lewis Hamilton would prefer to drive this at the Grand Prix – except he doesn’t have a bus licence.

Could a double-decker version be made of the bendy bus? That would be cool.

53 Bus

Winner of the “Least Objectionable Bus of the Year Award 1973″. Features the latest in anti-finger trap technology on the bell.

The 53 bus has played an important role in the history of English literature. The same red is used on the cover of the GCSE poetry anthology. It was also where Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra had the inspiration, wrote, published and produced the audiobook for Don Quixote. The original bookstore and recording studio can still be found at the back of the bus.

DLR (Docklands-Liechtenstein Railway)

This driver-less train is powered by the latest Lithuanian technology. It’s built from the finest glass from Luton and steel from Luxembourg’s gold mines.

Unfortunately, these driver-less trains cannot be used on the London Underground because it entirely eliminates the gap between the train and the platform.

*Disclaimer

James Huang accepts no responsibility for the factual accuracy of this blog post, nor for any injury suffered (physical or mental) during it’s reading. Any complaints should be directed to Ronaldo on 07777777777. Your statutory rights may or may not be affected. Speak to a lawyer.

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The train driver apologies for the delay but you feel people’s anger at the impending strike by the RMT Union. In one hour, the whole London Underground network will be paralysed.

The train is jam packed. Nothing unusual but I’m the lucky one this time, at least I’m on a train. I even have the luxury of getting off a stop early at Bank Station. I just wanted to escape the sweat. I get off and find that everything is getting shut down. People are desperate to get home but the gates are shut. The air is hot with distress and anger.

The misery is not being able to get home. I’m grateful for that today.

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I’m prone to losing cameras. I persistently forget to touch in/out my Oyster card. (This is London’s public transport doodad, and no, I’m not stealing).

I’m forgetful. So, I use a mantra that Mr A. Liu taught me: phone, wallet, keys – all the things that make me happy(ee).

However, a new mantra is needed for London life. The following are essential items:

• Smartphone – preferably a Blackberry. It’s actually not for email, it’s a convenient excuse to avoid eye contact with other human beings.
• Keys
• Wallet – you’ll need to carry much more cash
• Map – to navigate to the tube
• Oyster card – to get on the tube
• Water – to survive the tube
• iPod – to survive the boredom of the tube
• Vaseline – to stop your skin eroding while on the tube
• Book – to stop rotting your brain while reading the free newspapers on the tube
• Dignity Incapacitation Device (DiD)- leave dignity behind before entering a packed tube train

A new acronym is needed (and a larger bag). Remember this: MiSKVOWWB-DiD

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