Banned Business Words

I live with a friend from university, Charles. He’s a solicitor and works long hours everyday. By contrast, I’m an auditor who works long hours occasionally.

Business language was the topic of discussion in the flat this week. After a long, stressful day we decided to ban certain trendy business words. We spend enough of our time at work to warrant controlling out language in order to reclaim our free time. Actually it was just a bit of fun and we don’t have such serious goals. If I have the joy of your company in my home, then please, don’t use these words:

Going forward

Definition In the future (only for business types, doesn’t mean not going backwards).
Example Going forward, let’s focus on asking the client the right questions.
Translation You really messed up. But let’s have a group hug and put it behind us. And, if you want to keep your job, don’t ever do it again!

Touching base

Definition Keep the team informed of anything that needs to be informed.
Example See how this develops over the weekend and we can touch base on Monday.
Translation Tell me what I need to know, when I need to know it and before you know that I know that I need to know it.

Capacity to work

Definition Availability for work
Example Do you have capacity for work?
Translation Hi, how are you doing? Listen, I know that you have been working 20 hours and have a deadline for 5 different tasks within the next 23 minutes, but would you be able to go through the file and change the red ticks to green? Thanks!

Adding value

Definition Create economic benefit in your work.
Example How can you add value to your work?
Translation You aren’t doing ay chargeable work, you are not justifying your salary. Even a paper weight would be more useful because it doesn’t need food.

Going forward, do touch base by the next new moon, making sure that you have capacity to work in adding value to my Starbucks Coffee.

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