1. Exams

Never before has a generation been examined so much: Key Stage exams, GCSEs, A Levels, university and now the ICAEW exams. If I stack my accumulated textbooks and notes, it would reach one 232,830,406th of the way to the moon, i.e. 5’5”.

The exams are horrific but going to college is a refreshing change from work. It harks back to a simpler time in our lives: classrooms of 30; a teacher at the front; registers; morning, lunch and afternoon breaks; homework; and (best of all) finishing early. Also, we get paid for attending, and I get bullied less.

2.  Pencil Case

Despite being adults, we still need to carry a pencil and calculator. You don’t notice that it is odd until you produce a calculator when the dinner bill arrives.

3. Bully the 1st Years

New trainees start not knowing which way to hold a pen and thinking that “casting” is a way to listen to a briefly popular 90s indie band from Liverpool. Although, they are impeccably dressed.

In order to teach them the ways of accounting for a part disposal of a foreign subsidiary using the fair value method of non-controlling interest under International Financial Reporting Standards as adopted by South Sudan**, they must endure endless hours of photocopy and confusion.

Please note that this blog does not condone bullying. The 1st years are valuable, but the first year is always a hard learning experience.

Audit combines a genuinely open work atmosphere (reference to the last blog post about partners serving tea) with a clear hierarchy. Mistaking someone’s grade is a mild faux pas. A while ago I was mistaken for an intern and got asked to do some printing! The distinction is important because each year’s experience is worth a lot. Knowing someone’s grade gives an easy guide to the level of work that he/she can do.

4. Day Trips

Auditors lead a very active social life and the firm subsidises social events throughout the year. Except, your legal guardians won’t be phoned if you get lost on a night out. The post-social drop in productivity is balanced by department bonding.

5. Cliques

The value of professional firms is in its employees. How else can a audit report, which is just a some paragraphs stating that the financial statements are true an fair, be worth so much? Good relationships are vital for working effectively. Some interesting cliques do develop:

• Infernos – a club in London for the young professional who wants to relive their university partying days. Unfortunately it costs a lot more and you will run into other auditors.
• Geeks – these previous social outcasts become sought after for their intimate knowledge of auditing standards and Excel.
• Asian Kids – Recently, audit firms have recruited from Mainland China. The group is large enough for me to apply a meaningless label to them.
• Wantaways – Those who decided that audit was not for them and are just waiting to pass their exams and leave. Every auditor will go through this phase after a few hard weekends of work.
• Audit Lovers – A rare breed indeed.
• Jocks – A good deal of auditors play sports and go to the gym. Intra-department matches are popular, except the opposition may wear pink tutus.

Real-life auditors don’t necessarily fit into these categories. The audit lovers do still go to Infernos and the Asian kids aren’t always geeks.

Except

Audit is like high school, except for the work, which means the high school analogy isn’t appropriate. I have responsibilities and deadlines. If I stop working then I won’t be able to live in London. However, that is true of any job. Audit has its faults but you cannot say that it is not varied.

**For those who are interested, the answer to the problem in part three is a combination of IAS 27 and IAS 21. The South Sudanese accounting standards have not been written yet.

Gone are the greens and pinks of the old site. They were from a different era. The new colour scheme of grey-on-grey reflects the recessionary days that we live in. A lot of the content has been updated:

• Articles – The longer writings
• Photos – I have a new camera, so expect some better photos in the future
• Activities – What I do with my time
• About – Who I am and where my background

What will I write about? I want to tap the under-represented market of London accountants.

Liverpool One Wheel

Liverpool was the end of a frantic week’s holiday. It started with a weekend trip to the South coast of England. I saw the channel for the first time. The calm white rolling waves can’t be found in the city.

The South Coast

Several friends commented that they would like to live in such a place. But not me, I’d be bored after a day. As annoying as London can be – the frantic pace and impersonal nature, it is addictively exciting. I do want to stay for a few more years at least. Friends have complained that London has caused them to feel abandoned in the North West. It’s a shame that the UK is so capital-centric, but the fact that it is London is compensation enough.

Let’s hope I don’t get burnt out soon.

I’ve had two weekends without needing to study. It’s been great to spend the time reading, playing computer games and cooking proper meals. I spend time in some very esteemed company – five junior doctors shooting zombies at the arcade. This is why no-one makes shows about auditors.

I’m already looking towards the next milestone. I’m relearning the website building skills that I never actually had. Once again, I feel like I have to squeeze every productive second out of the day.

 
I’ve displayed a photo of the Sequoia tree at the Natural History Museum because it is 1500+ yeas old. Our lives are horribly slight in comparison. All that we aim for will not last and probably won’t deserve a place in the Natural History Museum.

However, please forget the trees because each day is important. With every second that passes we loose the chance to practice our audit skills by counting the tree rings.

I’ve been reading a book called “Killing Rommel” by Steven Pressfield. It’s a WWII fiction about the exploits of a crack British unit. There’s a line which says that the most important factor in winning or losing a war is morale. Yes, I am comparing accountancy exams to armed combat. I’m bloody hacked off and I feel like waving the white flag.

So I’m impelled to take a break, regroup and finish writing this long overdue blog post.

Water
All great cities are situated near some natural water feature. Beijing goes against this by being in the middle of a desert, but is still a great city. London has the River Thames and Toronto has Lake Ontario. Both are equally polluted. So the only way to judge which is better is to time how long you would survive a swim. In the River Thames you would be instantly killed by the River Boat. I’d take my chances against the radiation emanating from the nuclear power plant on the shore of Lake Ontario.

London 0 – Toronto 1

Number of Chinese People
For some reason, vast numbers of Chinese have made Toronto their home. The Chinatowns of both cities are pretty dire. However, Toronto wins because they sell cheaper bubble (tapioca) tea. 

London 0 – Toronto 1 – Liverpool 1 (because we have a better Chinatown with a much bigger arch)

Transport
Toronto’s roads are designed in an idiot-proof grid system. London’s roads require a Tom Tom to navigate, or a well trained black taxi driver. All Londoners moan about the tube, but the network is so extensive that two different shades of blue are needed for the map. Toronto has three lines and is crap.

London 1 – Toronto 1 – Liverpool -1 (I’ve just remembered how bad Merseyrail is)

Culture
Seriously? London hands down.

London 2 – Toronto 1 – Liverpool 0 (European Capital of Culture 2008 remember)

Global Warming Prospects
How would each city fare if the crackpot prophecies came true and the ice caps started to melt?

• Liverpool – floods
• Toronto – Also floods, and you will be attacked by radioactive moose
• London – Floods, unless you keep working in the office on the 17th floor while civilisation collapses around you. At least there won’t be a cooling problem on the Underground
• Beijing – is safe! Those ancient Chinese City planners were actually geniuses.

Final score

London 1 – Toronto 0 – Liverpool -1

And a million Scousers demand a recount.

Some highlights

Transport

• The railcard system is ridiculously complicated because Oyster Pay-As-You Go does not work on the Mainline trains South of the River Thames.
• Transport for 2 Danes for 4 days ended up costing over a hundred pounds.
• Half the Underground lines were closed for engineering works. It turns out that constantly changing trains is quite exhausting.
• Bank station shows that you can change from the Central Line to the DLR (Docklands Light Railway). It’s actually a good 10 minute walk.

Exchange Rate
The Danish Kroner is killing poor Pound Sterling.

Museums
Free = Fantastic.
I really enjoyed the old classics at the National Art Gallery and the dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum.

Starbucks
They wanted to visit Starbucks because they don’t have them in Denmark. We passed over 30 in three days.

Greenwich Park
Magnificent views. Really steep hills. The novelty of standing between East and West. Deer.

Me with Danish friends in Greenwich

As my friends left, they planted a Danish flag and proclaimed sovereignty over this bankrupt nation.

1. Liverpool One – A new shopping development that opened during the time I was in China. It looks good but I have heard complaints that it takes too much walking to do your shopping. After three weeks of fruitlessly exploring every shop to find brown shoes that I liked, I would agree with that view.
2. The Polish food store – Also opened in the time I was gone. I’ve only seen it once and I didn’t go inside.
3. The Chinese Badminton Club – I came here every Friday night that I could make for 7 years. I really loved coming here. A place for Mainland Chinese, BBCs and Brits to come together and play badminton. If you want to join, go to Garston Sports Centre on a Friday from 8pm to 10pm. Bring money.

But after a four hour journey with a car’s worth of my possessions, I have moved to London. I am still far far away from Scouseland.